


Tsutae kirenai omoi ga afuredasu (All the love I've hidden is about to burst)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anal Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:05:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “It’s not about who’s in your bed, Ko. It’s not about sex, I...” he took a deep breath, because he had gone too far, and he wasn’t going to stop now. “I’m in love with you. I love you, Kota. Always did.”





	Tsutae kirenai omoi ga afuredasu (All the love I've hidden is about to burst)

He had been waiting for years.

He had always been sure that when the time would’ve come he would’ve known that, somehow.

It hadn’t been like that, or that moment had never come, and Hikaru had surrendered.

There wasn’t a right way to tell Yabu he was in love with him.

He couldn’t really say what had kept him from making the first move for all those years; he had thought long about it, and had come up with just one explanation.

He was scared.

Scared of rejection, scared of hearing words he couldn’t face.

Because Kota wasn’t a crush, he wasn’t a stranger, he wasn’t someone he just felt something for.

He was his best friend, he had known him for ten years now, and he had never managed to get anything more than that friendship, and hadn’t felt willing to sacrifice that because it was better than nothing, as much as it costed him to admit it.

But it wasn’t the only thing at play.

He always had to consider, and had always done, Inoo.

Since he had first met Yabu, there had always been Kei.

He chased after him, gravitated around him, and there had always been a connection between them that no outsider could understand.

Hikaru had wondered too many times what that bond was, what made it so special, feeling put aside because, as close as he could be to Kota, he had never been able to match what he had with Kei.

And in the end he had surrendered to what seemed to be the only plausible explanation.

It wasn’t friendship.

Their bond wasn’t so strong because they had been knowing each other so long, because it was like they had chosen each other, more than found.

It was love, not affection.

Their relationship was so incomprehensible because it belonged to them only, something that he couldn’t understand because he didn’t know how it was to be with the one he loved.

It was a thought he had often, that made him sick, that hurt him, because he wasn’t capable of separating the fact that he was friend with both of them from his love for Yabu.

And so all those years waiting had been useless.

He had waited, waited and waited, and in the end he had caved, realizing that the waiting hadn’t made perfect the moment when he should’ve confessed to Kota how he felt.

He had lost.

He had lost against Kei, or perhaps there had never been a true battle between them, because Inoo had always been in Yabu’s heart, a place just for him there, the place Hikaru would’ve given anything for it to belong to him.

Because he wasn’t asking for much.

He just wanted to be a part of Yabu’s life, whatever part he wanted to give to him.

Instead, as the years went by he felt his life slipping away, far from him, as if they didn’t belong to each other anymore, as if what he had kept to himself during all that time had rendered impossible for them to understand each other.

If waiting had put him in that corner, where he couldn’t escape, then Hikaru was going to face it with his head held high.

He didn’t know how it was  going to go, nor he wanted to ponder too much about it.

He just knew that, had he lost, he had nothing left anyway.

He couldn’t really lose something he didn’t have in the first place.

 

~

 

He had been in a foul mood for the whole day.

Shooting for the shokura was usually fun But that day he couldn’t help but think about the decision he had made, he couldn’t help but looking at Yabu and waver, thinking that perhaps it wasn’t necessary to tell him how he felt, that he could’ve postponed that.

And then he called himself a coward, because for once in his life he wanted to take a decision and stick to it, as hard as it may have been.

When it was time to read his letter to him, his hands were trembling.

He was glad Yabu got to read it first.

He wished he could’ve paid more attention to what he was saying, but he registered his words automatically, thinking about what he was going to say next.

When it was his turn he took a deep breath and started reading.

He started joking, as if all the letter was supposed to be like that.

When it got more serious he made an effort to keep his voice clear, avoiding for it to shiver as well.

He thanked Yabu. He told him he was special, that with him close everything just seemed to be easier.

And then teased him, hoping he would’ve gotten the meaning of his words.

He told him he wanted Yabu to right a song and let him arrange it.

Like he had done with Kei.

Like he had done with ‘Oto’.

It wasn’t easy to keep control, but somehow he got to the end.

Of the letter, of the episode.

They were getting changed, ready to leave. Yabu hadn’t even looked him in the eyes, and he had wondered if it had been by chance or because he had actually understood that there was something more behind his words.

He was about to leave, resigned to the fact that he should’ve been more straightforward, when he felt someone grab his wrist.

Yabu’s face was unreadable.

“Want to get a drink at my place?” he asked, without beating around the bush.

He didn’t look angry, nor particularly happy.

Hikaru was caught off guard, but he knew it wasn’t a chance he could’ve afforded to waste.

He forced a smile.

“Of course. I’ll wait for you.” he said, leaning against the doorframe and looking at him while he finished getting changed.

He didn’t know what to expect from that evening. He didn’t know why Yabu had asked him to go to his place, nor what he was meaning to tell him.

The only thing he was sure of was that he had backed off too many times already.

This time, he was going to jump.

 

~

 

They were sitting next to each other on the couch.

Yabu was distractedly sipping a beer, while Hikaru had given up on drinking his.

He stared at the elder, waiting for him to say something, _anything._

But Yabu kept still, staring at the bottle in his hands thoughtfully, and Hikaru didn’t want to do something he would’ve regretted.

He wanted to leave the first move to the elder, understand his intentions before getting into an argument of which he couldn’t know the outcome.

He didn’t have to wait long.

Yabu raised his eyes on him, frowning slightly.

“What did you mean today?” he asked calm.

Hikaru bit his lip; he wasn’t expecting a direct question. He pretended he hadn’t understood, giving himself time to think.

“When?” he asked, hopefully looking innocent enough.

He couldn’t tell whether Yabu believed him or not.

“When you were talking about the song. It was about ‘Oto’, right?”

Yaotome swallowed.

As much as he had been asking for this, as much as he wanted to talk, he didn’t like the way this was going at all.

“Oh, that... well, I’ve just said I’d like to do something like that.” he sighed, certain that he was going to regret his following words. “After all, you’ve written a song and Kei’s arranged it. I realize that I’m not him, but... I was hoping it didn’t matter.” he bit his tongue hard for how much he had made that sound like an accusation.

He waited for Yabu to get mad. Or to deny it. Or to say something else entirely to let the matter drop.

Instead, the elder looked surprised.

“What do you mean you’re not him?” he asked, doing nothing to mask his indignation.

“That he’s more important for you than me.” Hikaru replied, trying to make it sound as obvious, as if it didn’t hurt him to say it.

Kota didn’t answer straight away.

He kept staring at him for a while, grave.

In the end he sighed, putting the beer down on the coffee table and collapsing against the couch, crossing his arms.

“Well, of course. The two of you are different for me.” he said, his eyebrows raised.

Hikaru was about to reply, but the other didn’t give him the time.

He leant toward him, coming to a distance that the younger deemed too reduced.

He was about to move, when Yabu quickly moved his hand, bringing it behind his neck and pulling him, until their lips were pressed together.

It was simple, but Hikaru was completely frozen, and it took him a while to understand what was going on.

And when he finally did, he felt like his heart was bursting inside his chest.

Yabu was kissing him.

He wasn’t imagining it.

He was there, in front of him, his hand slowly sneaking through his hair, his lips pressing harder on his own, his breath so close as he had never felt it.

He wanted to kiss him back, move, do something, but he couldn’t.

And so Yabu pulled back, looking mortified.

“I’m sorry, Hikaru. I thought that... well, that you...” he started, his cheeks a deep red, but this time it was the younger who didn’t let him finish; he leant over, repeating all of Yabu’s moves and kissing him again.

This time he knew it. All too well, as much as it kept feeling unreal, or too good to be true.

But it wasn’t the right moment to think about it.

His policy had always been to take what came, and what was happening right now went beyond all of his expectations.

He would’ve gone with the flow, finding out where it took.

Meanwhile Yabu had grabbed his hips, confident, his mouth on the younger’s throat, biting enough to leave small reddish marks at his passage.

Hikaru rolled his head back, letting go to that feeling of pure bliss, moving just to bring his hands to the hem of the elder’s shirt, taking it off quickly.

Kota stopped for a few seconds, looking him in the eyes before tightening his hold on him and dragging him to the floor, taking his shirt off as well and pushing him to lay under him.

He went down from his neck to his chest, using his tongue and his teeth, and Hikaru could feel him smile against his skin, as if he found it incredibly amusing, as if it was a game.

It wasn’t long before he felt him bring a hand to his trousers, lowering them enough to see the outline of his cock under his briefs.

Lascivious, he ran a finger on it, while his mouth left the younger’s chest and his head rose, so that he could look at him, challenging.

It was less than a minute, and finally he decided to slip his hand under the band, wrapping his hand around his cock, and Hikaru couldn’t help but moan.

He saw Kota chuckling, but decided it didn’t matter.

He was right where he wanted to be, where he had _desired_ to be, and details weren’t important right now.

He let him touch for a few minutes, while the sounds he made got higher and higher; Yabu was having his fun teasing him, slowing down and then going faster again, in an apparently infinite circle that was going to drive Hikaru mad.

Right then he decided to take control: not without fighting, he pushed away the elder’s hand, propping himself up on his elbows and getting up, pushing on Yabu’s shoulder to swap positions with him.

He looked at him with a satisfied smirk, before taking all of his clothes completely off and doing the same with him.

He didn’t want to tease, anyway; he was already too far gone to really manage that.

Always keeping eye contact, he went with his mouth on his chest, leaving a few trails with his tongue on his sternum, over the navel; until he was a few inches away from the elder’s cock, erasing that smug look from his face while he instinctively pushed his hips up.

“Hikka...” he said, more complaining than asking, a moment before Hikaru took him in his mouth.

Yabu jerked, restrained by the other’s hands on his hips preventing him from pushing too far down his throat.

The younger smiled for a moment, then he started tonguing Kota’s cock.

He would’ve gone on for hours; hearing the elder moan, managing to feel the desire in his voice, in his movements, in the nonsensical sounds he let himself go to, was like a drug, and he was sure he wasn’t going to get tired of it.

When he realized Kota was about to come he pulled off abruptly, throwing him a look that wanted to be apologetic, but still he couldn’t hide some amusement at the other’s chocked cry.

“Hikka” he yelled, and wasn’t able to add anything else. The younger straddled him, leaning over.

“I’m sorry, Ko-chan. Didn’t want you to get too far and forget about me.” he said smiling, glad that he could feel so relaxed as not to think about what was going to happen next. There were just the two of them right now, there was no real explanation to what was happening, but Hikaru didn’t care, not now.

The elder rolled his eyes; then he brought a hand to Hikaru’s hip, pressing to make him move and get back to the initial position.

Lascivious, he ran two fingers over his lips.

“Open your mouth, Hikka, and I’ll take care of you.” he said, filthily.

The younger was tempted to deny him only for a split second; looking at Yabu in the eyes he realized he wasn’t going to be stopped by excessive stubbornness, so he chose to do as asked, opening his mouth and letting the elder’s fingers in, running his tongue around them for about a minute before the other pulled them out and brought her between his legs.

Hikaru bit his lip, the expectations making his heart beat faster, to a rhythm he didn’t think he could’ve born any longer.

When Yabu slipped the first finger inside of him he closed his eyes, trying to think about something that wasn’t the discomfort.

He focused, instead, on how long he had been waiting for this.

On how much been there, feeling Yabu so close, feeling his skin against his own, made him feel good.

He relaxed quick enough, while the other started to move his finger and then added a second.

He had been preparing him for a few minutes, when Hikaru asked him to stop.

“That’s it, Yabu. Go for it.” he said, torturing his lower lip between his teeth.

Yabu looked at him, hesitating.

“Let me do this Hikka, I’ve got nothing to ease...” he tried to protest, but the other shook his head.

“Don’t care, Kota. Come on.” he replied.

The elder let his fingers slip slowly out of him, then he settled better between his legs.

“Tell me if it hurts too much, alright?” he asked, leaning over him and holding his breath.

Hikaru licked his lips, all of a sudden too dry, looking sarcastically at him.

“I’m not a girl, Kota.” he just said, and the other didn’t reply to that.

He started pushing in, slow, his eyes fixed on Hikaru’s face, as to catch any sign of pain, as if he didn’t really believe that he would’ve told him if it had been too much.

On his part, Hikaru tried to keep still, even though it wasn’t easy.

It’s not like it was the first time he had sex with a man; just, it had been too long since the last time, and anyway he had never done it without at least some lube.

But he couldn’t care less about the pain.

It wasn’t the worst he had ever felt, and he wasn’t going to let anything stop him, he would’ve born even ten times that pain as long as he could feel Kota inside of him.

When the latter had bottomed out he stopped, letting him time to adjust to the intrusion.

Hikaru tried to breathe in deeply, to focus on anything but the pain, until he felt ready enough. He nodded toward Yabu, and the elder didn’t need to be told twice; the feeling of having Hikaru around him was too much for him to still be inhibited by the fear of hurting him.

His thrust were slow, steady, weighted.

He moved inside the younger’s body with a precise rhythm, trying to keep control over himself.

He didn’t manage that for long; it had been just a few minutes since he had gotten inside, and his movements were starting to become more erratic.

He grabbed Hikaru’s leg, bringing it around his hip and thrusting harder, incentivized by his moans, by the fact that the pain seemed to have left his face in exchange for an expression of pure ecstasy.

Hikaru felt Yabu’s hips against his own, he felt him moving inside, he felt his hands on his body and he could think only about that.

He wished it could’ve lasted forever.

He wished he could’ve stayed there, on that floor, with Yabu moving on top and inside of him, eternally.

But he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. He felt too much at the same time to even think of resisting further.

“Touch me, Kota.” he asked him, hoarse, his voice faltering.

Yabu nodded briefly, bringing his hand to his cock and wrapping it around it firmly, stroking it in time with his thrusts, harder and deeper now.

Hikaru closed his eyes, abandoning himself to that touch.

When he finally climaxed, he felt like the world was ending there.

He felt his mind shut down, while all the sensations he felt blended inside of him, became a shapeless mass which he couldn’t name.

It took him a while to open his eyes again, and when he did seeing Yabu’s face only made his heart beat fast again.

He was beautiful.

Damn so.

His eyes were almost closed, his face twisted, intent, while he bit his lip and finally came inside of him, with a last thrust deeper than the others.

When he collapsed on top of him Hikaru felt like screaming, without even knowing why.

He kept still for a while, quiet, waiting for Kota to talk first.

He felt him raising his head slowly from the crook of his neck where it had ended up and looking at him, smiling.

He got up, holding out his hand for him to take it.

“Want to go to bed?” he asked, as if it was something he had done a million times before, as if it was something natural.

Hikaru took his hand and followed him.

Once under the covers Yabu wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him closer.

“See, I’ve taken care of you.” he whispered in his ear, then chuckled.

Hikaru smiled, tentatively, feeling a little uncomfortable.

The elder raised his head, propping himself up on his elbows and looking at him.

“What’s wrong, Hikka?” he asked, worried.

“Yabu... what just happened, exactly?” he asked, his voice feeble.

He saw the other smile, sly, before answering.

“I thought that was pretty obvious.” he said, distractedly brushing a hand over his cheek.

Hikaru licked his lips.

Taken by the whole thing, it was like he had forgotten what had brought him there that night, as if he had forgotten about his resolution of telling Yabu how he felt.

Sex didn’t change nor solve anything.

“Yabu... you wanted to know why I’ve asked you about the song, right?” he said, and the other interrupted him straight away.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You said Kei’s more important to me than you.” he said, amused. “Why would you think something like that?” he asked then, more tenderly.

“Because you have another kind of... relationship with him. I see how you look at him, how close the two of you are. That’s why I think he’s more important, because I’m just a friend while he is...” he stopped when the other burst out laughing.

Once he calmed down, he replied.

“Hikka... I’m friend with Kei. I love him, I’ve known him since we were kids... but we’re friends, that’s it.” he smiled, sly. “And anyway, who’s in this bed now, you or Kei?” he asked, while the other boy didn’t seem relaxed at all.

The fact that there was nothing between Kota and Kei made him feel more at ease, somehow.

But it didn’t change everything.

“It’s not about who’s in your bed, Ko. It’s not about sex, I...” he took a deep breath, because he had gone too far, and he wasn’t going to stop now. “I’m in love with you. I love you, Kota. Always did.” he said in the end, doing nothing to hide how his voice was trembling.

The elder kept still, thoughtful.

It was less than a minute, which seemed an eternity to Hikaru, before he brought an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and kissing on the side of his head; Hikaru head him sigh, then felt him smile against his skin.

“Why are you so said saying that you love me?” he murmured, tightening his hold on him. “I don’t know what idea you have of me, but it’s not casual for me having you here, Hikaru.” he explained, more serious.

“What does that mean?” the younger asked, almost not daring to hope the meaning behind those words was what he was thinking.

“That I love you too, you idiot.” the other replied, both exasperated and amused.

It took Hikaru a few seconds to realize what he had just said.

And when he finally did he felt his face’s muscles tense  involuntarily in a smile.

“You do?” he asked, incredulous.

Kota laughed, flicking his forehead.

“You’re here and, like I’ve said, it’s not by chance. Of course I do, Hikaru.” he confirmed, and didn’t have time to say anything else, before the younger hugged him.

Hikaru didn’t say anything either, because there was nothing left for him to tell.

He cursed himself for having kept quiet so long, and he thought he would’ve spared himself so much suffering if only he had showed more confidence.

But that wasn’t the time to think about it, what mattered now was only the result.

And the result was that Kota loved him.

That thought made him feel happy as he had never thought he could’ve been.

He kept repeating those words in his mind like a mantra.

He clung on to Yabu, without saying a word, relishing that feeling, having nothing else to ask for.

Now he really was where he had always wanted to be, where his place was, where he was going to stay until Kota would’ve let him.

For the first time he really felt like he owned something, that he was a part of that reality that for once was perfect.

He closed his eyes, suddenly tired.

He fell asleep after a few minutes, with the feeling of Kota’s hands softly caressing his head.

It was all he had always dreamed.

Yet reality was far better than anything his imagination could’ve ever come up with.


End file.
